Struggles at the Fitness Center

Struggles at the Fitness Center

Winter is no different from spring, summer, or fall in that it has its own initiation rituals. Flowers blooming and milder temperatures are hallmarks of the spring season. When summer arrives, it brings with it the opportunity for travel, barbecues, and baseball games. The arrival of fall means football season and Halloween. It's a rite of passage for many people to join a gym or health club in the winter, notably in the days following the New Year.

Right in front of my eyes in Macon, Georgia, this is happening. In the early hours of the week before last, I went to the wellness center where I am a paying member in order to get in another workout. I should have known something was wrong when I arrived at the wellness center and saw that every parking spot was taken. I drove around for a while before I got lucky and observed a woman with truly blue hair get into her car and drive away. I got to her parking spot and into the main building faster than Britney could have been hitched.

In the building, I made my way to the elliptical trainer I've used regularly for the past 12 months. A young woman wearing pink leotards and drinking from a Gatorade bottle occupied it. That's perfectly normal, except she wasn't using the machine at all and was instead chatting with her pals, who were standing right there. After realizing that I would be eligible for Medicare before they finished talking, I moved to another elliptical trainer and got to work.

I was fortunate enough to find the second machine free, and I promptly began chugging away at my minutes. I was able to get a good feel for the space thanks to my customary hour-long workouts on the machine. People were milling around everywhere. I saw two middle-aged men flirting with a girl young enough to be their daughter in one corner and four women blocking off a restroom door and pointing at people using the machines in another. 

I was getting agitated because it irritates me to no end to be up there working like a yard mule and then watching people chatter.In the space of a few seconds, I went from being irritated to awestruck as I watched yet another person, this time a guy on an exercise bicycle. He was huge; in fact, his heiny was so big that it literally swallowed up the entire bicycle seat, making it appear as though the seat were growing out of his rear end. My focus shifted, and I was soon pedaling furiously to complete my workout.

My routine then moves on to arm exercises, which typically don't take too long. And it shouldn't have happened this time either if it weren't for all the "sitters" who invaded the site. People who "sit" spend their time in the gym sitting on various machines while dressed to the nines. They don't get any physical activity, and they sit for long periods of time. When I need to use a machine and I see that it is in use by a "sitter," my blood boils like a peanut. 

One day, I mustered the courage to approach a customer whose heiny had been glued to my machine for the previous twenty minutes. Inquiring nicely, "Lookin' or liftin'?" I approached him in my brand new, fluorescent orange jogging suit. When he didn't respond, I informed him I was researching men who visit fitness centers for the sole purpose of staring at attractive women. As incredible as it may seem, he finally got up off my machine and departed. That's weird.

One redeeming quality of seasonal rites of passage is that they last just a short while and then pass. A similar fate awaits the current crop of fitness fanatics, the vast majority of whom will quickly come to realize that lounging around on the couch is far more appealing than sweating it out on the treadmill. Therefore, the gym's population will gradually decrease and revert to normal. 

When that time comes, I can go back to my regular workout regimen, which consists of cursing under my breath at others who are working out harder than me and relishing the absence of canary yellow sweat suits emblazoned with Tweety Bird logos.